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Brown unveils new 'veal students' plan

The government is considering a radical rethink of further education that would enable poorer students to study for a degree with no fees as long as they agree to spend the duration of the course living in a 4-foot crate on a liquid diet low in iron and roughage.

Since removing the right to a free education more than a decade ago the government has struggled in recent years to find new ways to ruin the prospects of working class students but commentators agree that they've pulled a rabbit out of the hat with their new plans.

They do concede that raising students in the dark with a limited diet may lead to an increase in the number of Goths but this is deemed to be an acceptable risk when viewed alongside the benefits.